Well, as previously explained, I’ve always known that I had issues opening up. Once again not out of lack of trust, but simply because there words never seemed to make sense when they departed from my lips.
I’ve decided to try to change that. To open up, let the words flow, and try to hope they’re received correctly. I was pretty apprehensive about the thought of expressing my every thought and emotion at the mere beckon of them, but I did my best to stick through it. It’s been limited to one person, but I’ve done it.
It… hasn’t gone as easy as expected.
I’m even more apprehensive now. Expressing my every thought on request (and sometimes without request) is somewhat troubling, to say the least. Thoughts run through my mind often after speaking out. “Did that come out right? Was that offensive? Did that make sense? Will they understand?” All this and more from simple sentences.
What may be the worst part about it, however, is that it appears I can’t stop. As much as it makes me uncomfortable (anywhere from minimally to moderately) I can’t stop completely expressing everything to them. It’s not to say they’ll take these thoughts & intentions and flip them on me with ill-will, this is just a level of vulnerability I don’t believe I’ve ever felt before. It’s a small, aching, vulnerability that gnaws at the back of my mind occasionally, knowing this could potentially backfire in unforeseeable ways. However, I can’t bring myself to stop laying my cards on the table.
I suppose, in the end, all I can do is hope for the best.