The past few days, I’ve spent my time focusing on my flaws and improving myself (cleaning my room, cleaning my car, going to the gym more, etc.). As I sit here at work, I realize I may have completely missed one of my biggest issues; misguided, irrational anger.
So, the title. Why “K”? It represents one of the messages I hate to get most in the world; “k”.
Have you been there? In an argument with someone, and they simply reply with “k”? Did you feel hurt? Angry? Feel as if they’ve discarded you and (whatever the situation may be) to the side?
I did. But here’s a better question; why? Why do you feel this way about a single letter? Why so much rage at receiving a short, quick response?
That’s what I asked myself.
See, I’m notorious for getting angry whenever someone “k’d (pronounced; ‘KAY-ed’) me”. If it was an argument, it was now much more of an argument. If it was a response due to your emotional exhaustion, mine had been rekindled like a phoenix at birth. In my previous relationship, this angered me to no end. And she knew. But she didn’t do it out of anger or spite or with any malice at all. It was simply a default response. A quick button-press and a “send” key a way. A simple, single, letter.
There was no way I could ever even attempt to reason it that way. If that response came my way, I would then either become angry or just not reply, while silently cursing the day that became an accepted response to any message, ever.
But I sit here, and can almost chuckle at my past mistakes. “Ha! So much anger over a simple word? Not even a full word, just a letter! How irrational.” Looking back on it, I was mad at the letter. I was mad at everything the letter represented. Lack of interest. Lack of concern. Lack of feeling. Sadness. Anger.
I was angry that this letter dared to define anger (or any emotion, for the matter) in such a short, easily identifiable manner. I knew the only time she really put ‘k’ was when she was sad or upset with me. But I was angry. I was angry she dared to use a letter she knew upset me. There would be no tending to her emotion, for mine had already taken control of me. It was my turn to be upset. There would be no attempts to resolve the issue that caused the ‘k’ in the first place, we were far past that part of the conversation with just 1 letter.
I now no longer hate the letter, but rather, I hate my actions. I hate the childish, selfishness that reared it’s ugly head whenever I was presented with that word. I hate how I felt entitled to feeling wronged whenever I faced that phrase. I hate how I ignored the feelings of those important to me in a brazen display of emotion. But no more. No more will I bound myself to a letter. No more will I be trapped by a solitary character on a digital screen.
No more will I allow emotion to over flow in misguided, irrational anger.